I'm offically closing down my blog.

I forsee not being able to blog as much any more so I won't bother. I will have another blog tho but I rather keep it a personal thing.

Thanks for surfing thru my blog and giving your views, comments, sympathies, advices and all that.

*BIG muahhhhhhhs

*LadyGem

Dear Diary,

I think I'm in love...

I met him 2 months back. We got acquainted because I had to deal with him for a certain brand, which is participating in my company's program. We talked about work initially and then exchanged some emails and suddenly work-related emails became personal. We exchanged MSN ids and started chatting everyday (as we have internet access and chat programs available at work). At 1st, we chat about general stuff and was a getting-to-know process. We became closer and started sharing intimate details about ourselves. It became sexual.

In the end, we decided to have a NSA (no-strings-attached) relationship. This was fine by me as I enjoyed him company and I had NSA before. We both agreed that there should be no feelings and emotions involved. Again, that was fine by me as I am quite detached from my NSA partners in the past.

Just when I was thinking to myself that this is gonna be fun and no risk at all, I got hit by an emotional truck. We hooked up on the 29th of December 2005. He was a wild beast and I wasn't any tamer. The sex was awesome. Multiples... If you know what I mean. So much so, I had to ask to stop but he just wanted to keep going. All in all, the passion was so hot, we had 5 servings of it and spent almost 5 hours together. We took breaks in-between sessions and we talked, about everything and anything under the sky. We got to know each other better. Debated on religions. It was superb. A total dream come true for me. Not only is he a great lover, he is intelligent, funny, experienced, cute and well-versed. I think I enjoyed the conversations, cuddling, holding hands and caressing more than the sex.

The moment we parted, I felt hollow. I HAD to see him or at least, hear from him. I smsed him telling him that I had a great time and hope he did too. He replied saying that it was awesome. How overjoyed I was to know that I pleased him. To be honest, we are still in contact till today and we have been building a closer relationship (I hope), with him calling me pet-names (is that a good sign?) and admitting that he enjoys my company as much I do his and that we have a certain kind of connection. Day by day, it's getting better and closer. I can only hope for the best.

Now, I know that some people who will be reading my blog will ask, "what about Matty?", well all I can say is that I've moved on as Matty hasn't been picking up my calls nor returning them and no replies for my smses as well. I do still miss him very much and cherish all the times we had together. It ain't easy to let go as we have unofficially been together for 6-7 years now. Given a choice, I'd choose Matty any day but unfortunately, this is a 1-way relationship and he's so darn far away. As for my new beau (OS), he's so close, so much so, I have to deal with him even in work and things seem to be working out for us. I have all my fingers, toes and anything crossable, crossed for hopes to be together with OS.

Dear Diary,

I just realised that I got tagged by this reader, Girl. I didn't even know I HAD anyone reading this blog. According to her blog, this is what she said about me (direct quote), "her life is downright miserable". It hurt as hell, coming from a total stranger but I guess it was true. I do feel that sometimes, my life can be downright miserable, sometimes even worse.

Well, whoever you are, Girl I hope you will be able to learn from my mistakes and NOT repeat it. Don't live a miserable life like what I have to endure now.

PS: I planned to put some explicit entries on what I had done in the past, as this was suppose to be my personal online diary. I don't know how old you are and therefore, I'm thinking if I should go ahead as planned. I hope you're not underaged and nor will I get sued for misleading a young girl.

Dear Diary,

I don't like the feeling of being dumped. I thought that I had gotten used to that feeling but seems that one can never get over the feeling of being dumped, no matter how much you didn't like the other person in the 1st place.

Yesterday, I was mentioning that I there was 1 guy who asked me sexual questions on our 3rd date? Well, initially, I was pissed off at him. But after he didn't make much effort to apologise or coax me back, I got worried and sent him an sms to say that I didn't mind him asking, just that I was a lil disappointed that he had to do it so soon and that I would prefer to that those kinda conversations later on in the relationship. After about an hour or so, he relied, apologizing and saying that he's actually a playboy and all the girls he ever went out with were just for fucks (literally) and he doesn't want a commitment, therefore even at the age of 30, he is still single. He told me that he rather me not contact him no more. Immedietly, my hands grew numb and cold, I tried coaxing him back by saying it's ok and many more things. I brought myself to such a low level, I can't even believe it. Even till now, I still feel so used and abused that the feeling for him has grown. I guess, I will be able to get over him in a couple days time but again, these takes time and for now, I still feel shitty. Things I'll do to be loved and cared about. Sheesh...

Dear Diary,

I can't understand guys. Why is it all sexual when it comes to them? They just don't seem to understand that girls need nurturing and lots of TLC. All they seem to care is that they shove their shaft into the women. I'm just so sick and tired of it.

As for me, seems like the only guys I've been getting are exactly THAT sort of guy. Not even the 3rd date and he's already asking if I'm a virgin and what positions I like. C'mon man... Get to know me for me, make me melt, then I'll consider making 2 become 1.

I really pray and wish very hard that I will be able to find my Prince Charming, someone who will sweep me off my feet and ride me off on his stallion, into the sunset. *daydreams* I have actually found him but he lives a quarter of the world away. For the many years that I have known Matty, he has never once passed a sexual comment or even a thought about it, unless it's consentual. I really "like" him so much. I don't think there's anyone who can be half the man he is, except my last ex (but that's another heartbreaking story we shall not get into).

Dear Diary,

I think I'm a really confusing/confused person, when it comes to love and relationships. I'm so clueless, so much so, I don't even know what I want. One moment, I think I kinda like this guy and the next, I've already found a new target. All along, I have held a certain kind of special feeling for Matty. He has been in my life since we were 17 or so. I think of him ever so often and can even imagine a future with him (he's the only one I feel that way about).

But of late, I have been meeting new people almost everyday and they are closer to me than Matty (he's in Sydney - yes, he's an Aussie). Even my exs are coming back to me. I feel like I have a choice but yet I'm not sure I wanna take that course. I flirt back when being flirted with *winks* normal, rite? But at the end of the day, I still prefer Matty. Only problem is, he's not around and he's so damn far and he doesn't seem to wanna commit. I guess I prefer guys who are hard to get, compared to guys I can get easily, no challenge in that.

I actually have more to let out on this topic but for some reason, my mind's not up-to-date and can't seem to think of what I have been keeping these past few weeks. Maybe next time, the moment, I think of something, I have to get it out.

Dear diary,

Such a sad week. All in all, 4 of my good friends cum colleagues have/is leaving the company. Yesterday, GG and CF left the company. Today is Kat and Ham’s last day. Indeed a very depressing week. Well, I do wish them well with their new jobs and I think by them leaving is actually a good thing. This company is such a shithole for everyone. Even I’m thinking of leaving but have yet to tender my resignation as I have no standby job yet. But no matter what, I have already decided that I will tender by this month (November) and will work till December. Kat has told me of an opening in her new company and I hope I can get in cos then I can work together with friends again. I have to keep my fingers crossed.

On a lighter note, I went yumcha with Pink yesterday night. I didn’t get to tell her on my updates as we were merely talking about our group of friends and all their problems. Seems like a lot has happened for the last I saw the group. Well, I can gladly say that I feel lucky for not being involved with all their shits as I know I would become as annoyed and irritated as Pink towards them. Unfortunately for her, she is always the middle-person cum counselor in the group and everyone just seem to flock to her with their problems. And she feels so burdened by it, on top her own problems.

Hopefully Pink and me will have another one to one session and we can talk more on our own stuff.

Dear diary,

I feel so alone these days. It’s not that I don’t have friends. I have loads of them but it’s just that I don’t feel as close to them as I used to.

As it is, I actually have 2 very good friends, let’s call them Pink and GG. GG has been my bestfriend since high school and Pink has been since collage. After GG left for further studies in Aus, Pink and me have gotten close to the extend of spending almost everyday together and having heart to heart talks.

Ever since GG came back from Aus, Pink and I have drifted apart tremendously. Instead, Pink and GG have started to get very close. They seem to go out a lot and without my knowledge. And when I ask Pink to go out, she tells me that she has a lot of things to do and can’t spend time with me. Obviously, I felt hurt but I can’t tell her that cos she will think that I’m being sensitive. So, at the end of the day, I keep it all in and sooner or later, burst out…

I feel so neglected and lonely.

Dear diary,


taken from http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

This is how I feel of late.

Dear diary,

I feel so trapped here. Everyday I come to work and have nothing to do. I feel so useless. All I seem to do everyday at the office is come in, have my breakfast, check some emails, surf around and just stare at the computer the rest of the day. The only times I look forward to is lunch time and 6pm (work officially is over time).

I SO have to find another job that is challenging. This job WAS challenging in the beginning but now, it’s so much a routine, I’m bored. I like it when there’s a lot of work to do, and I feel pressed for time. Even though it is hectic, I like the rush of it.

Now, I have nothing to do and thus I feel bored, even though I can go online and surf and whatnots. But can you imagine, surfing the net EVERYDAY and in discretion as my boss can’t know. When they do walk by, I just minimize everything and stare at my outlook emails, and there are no new emails, just staring at the same old emails, over and over again. Anyone who comes to my place often enough, would realize in time that I have been basically looking at the same things day in, day out.

I need a change but yet I don’t know what I wanna do yet. I wish someone could read my mind (or palm / face) and tell me what I should pursue in. Let’s see, I like the rush of working with a lot of departments, don’t like routines, don’t need to travel (no license) but yet get to meet new people. Anyone can recommend anything?

I have been sending out resumes but never really following up with it as I don’t know what I wanna do, to begin with. Another reason is because I am quite comfortable here. I like all my colleagues here and because there’s not much to do, I feel relaxed (TOO RELAXED). I know this is a bad thing as I’m just wasting my talent and knowledge like this and I should get off my fat-ass and do something about it.

Haih…. I need help!!!